Helping Your Daughter Stand up to Mean Girls

How old were you when you first encountered mean girl drama? I was in middle school. My daughter’s first experience with mean girls: PreKindergarten. I remember picking her up from school and immediately knowing something was off. She was quiet, in deep thought and not interested in her usual after school activities. I asked her what was wrong a few times and she kept saying “nothing.” I told her she could always talk to me and tell me anything when she was ready. Then later that night she opened up. A girl at school told her she didn’t want to play with her and told the other two friends to also not play with her. My then five-year-old was in tears, and didn’t understand why this happened suddenly and unprompted.

As she looked up at me with hurt in her eyes, I wished I could give her a definitive answer. I didn’t know why this happened, but I knew it does happen and probably would happen again. It was up to me to provide her the tools that she needs to be able to stand up for herself and others against the mean girls of the world.

Here are some of the things that have worked for us. I want to point out that I am no expert. My daughter is seven now and still deals with some sort of exclusionary tactic every now and then. Many times she is able to stand her ground and comes home happy about how she dealt with the situation. However, there are still some situations that we learning how to deal with. But if you are new with the mean girl drama; try these!

Have a Strong Response Ready

My daughter’s prekindergarten teacher taught her to say, “That’s not nice, knock it off.” She told us it was strong and to the point. This definitely worked with younger kids. We even had her practice saying it in her strongest voice which helped increase her confidence in speaking up.

As she has gotten older, she still will say “that’s not nice, knock it off.” When kids try to exclude her, she will simply say, “I am going to go with my other friends.” I have also heard some girls threatening their friendship. One girl in her class wanted her to not eat lunch so they could play more. She told my daughter that if she didn’t do what she said they would not be friends and no one else would play with her either. My daughter responded with, “A real friend would not do that, I don’t want a friend who isn’t a real friend.” After a few times of my daughter standing up to this girl, she has backed off.

Books on Inclusion

There are so many awesome books about inclusion and friendship. I wrote a post about these books for younger kids when we dealt with our first mean girl drama. These books still apply to my first grader (great for ages 4-8). You can find the post here.

Ask for Help

Including the teacher is a good idea. The teachers that we have had like knowing if there are any distractions that may affect their students. They also have so much experience and can guide you on what to say or do in such situations. I always felt guilty asking the teacher as they already do so much! But sometimes you need more eyes (or a different perspective) on the situation.

I also want her to know she can always go to an adult at school if the teasing does not stop.

Minimize Reactions if Possible

My daughter came home last week crying that a girl in class keeps calling her bossy and has resulted in other students doing the same. I aligned with her that name-calling isn’t nice. I also pointed out that the kids wanted a reaction out of her, which they got. We talked about the word “bossy” and came up with a response, “That’s leadership skills, girl!” And we also played Kelis’s I’m Bo$$y song (edited version of course). She was laughing and I am hopeful that in no time it won’t be fun for them to call her bossy since she has such a positive reaction to it!

Volunteer

The best way to find out what is going on at school and learn how you can help your child handle situations better is by seeing it for yourself. I know that it is not easy especially if you are working full-time or have a small child at home. Even if it is once a month (or once a quarter!) volunteer as yard duty (probably the most eye-opening experience), library helper, in the classroom or more.